I received this in an email the other day and found it funny enough to share. Enjoy!
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE
CHILDREN:
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and
curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all
summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or
you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls
of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an
airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it
with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m.
begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag
and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing
every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing
these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn
it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece
of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of
Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate
ice cream cone
and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get
a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of
chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake
along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL
TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of
your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the
beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug
store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange
for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience,
tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways
they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time
you will have all the answers.
